‘Pioneering energy is the gift of our times.’
…so said my friend Ryan at the end of last year in relation to an article about J.R.R.Tolkien whose astronomical success was much maligned and questioned by the critics (‘The critics retched and kvetched’ was the phrase used; ‘kvetch’ - what a word!) Ryan has been coaching me to take the uncharted path, and use my inner knowing as the compass, in place of the historical examples of others. It’s quite a scary approach to pursuing one’s goals, but more and more it seems the only path to take. I think we are taught to reverse engineer our success; to cherry pick examples of people we admire, find out how they got to where they are - the connections they made, the routines they stuck to, hell, even the food they ate - and adhere strictly to these daily disciplines until you find your own breakthrough. And always in these examples, I fixate on the individuals who took the uncharted path, who saw how things were done, perhaps went a certain distance down this path and ultimately had to diverge and surge forwards into uncertain, unknowable but always more personally authentic terrain. What I’m finding, no matter how obscure an example I find - the marginalised person within the marginalised group, the social outcast within a tribe of off-grid social outcasts, the weirdest of weirdos - there’s always a point where you have to stop following someone else’s uncharted path and truly cut a new trail. There comes a point where you don’t know who or where you are, when you run out of parents and experts and elders to consult, and there is nothing to do but sit in stillness and consult yourself.
This is the thought I held in mind when setting some intentions for 2024. Pioneering energy, which I would simplify down to ‘doing and saying exactly what the fuck you mean’. Intentionality is another word for it. I think 2023 was the year I ran out of energy for people pleasing. I just couldn’t sustain protecting people’s feeling so much when trying to express my own. There was too great of a conflict in maintaining the careful balance of holding equal space for both and I just wanted to scream at everyone over the slightest interruption. Mostly how this manifested was I stopped answering so many emails and texts, I lost some friends, and I broke things off with others. None of this was easy, but afterwards it was an enormous relief. I have more time and energy for the people and things I care about the most. I have some lingering sadness about some people I let go, but perhaps our paths will cross again and new, more meaningful bonds will be forged. Perhaps not.
Anyway, with all of this said, here are the list of resolutions I set myself at the start of this year in an effort to be more intentional, create fulfilling work and be less of an emotionally drained, narky bitch:
Put my phone on airplane mode at night. Only turn it on in the morning after I’ve checked in with myself and am armed and ready for the onslaught of society. (Happy to report that this one is habitual by now, though I’ve some work to do on checking in with myself first).
Cut out scrolling on instagram. Decide new parameters for using social media. (Work in progress! Sometimes during the day I simply get lonely and scrolling is the quickest way to scratch that itch. I should like to call a friend instead but none of my friends are primed for spontaneous calls from me - they’d probably assume someone had died).
Don’t cancel classes. (This is the hardest one so far. I want to do ALL the classes. French, trapeze - static and flying - rope, hoop, dance, handstands, HIIT, flexibility, crochet, macramé, moon circles. I want to do it ALL! Often on weekends I book to do it all and then find myself exhausted and unenthused so I cancel. It wastes a lot of my time and money (£17 when I cancel a pilates class!) and it gives the impression to people that I am flaky and unreliable. So at the moment I’m committing to 2x hoop classes a week and that’s it, which makes my energetic, optimistic weekend-self anxious! But I remind her: I can do anything but not everything.)
Write a line a day. (I’ve kept a 5 year journal for the past 7 years but last year I very much neglected it, checking in just a handful of times a month. I regret all the moments I’ve forgotten as a result! I kept the previous 5 year diary pretty religiously and the reflections on how much changes, and the other things that stay absolutely the same, are a fascinating personal archive.)
Flexibility on Fridays (hello, I’m 32, and my hip flexors need constant reassurance that it’s ok to let goooo.)
Post to my blog and instagram once a week (In a constant effort to break through all my most compelling reasons to self censor I’m just going to be coming at you with a lot of thoughts and feelings, regularly so when I publicly humiliate myself, it’s ok! I’ve done it countless times before!)
As for my goals this year, which I see as different to resolutions (resolutions = ongoing habits/practices whereas goals are finite missions), they are simple:
Write my novel! (If I only achieve this one, job done)
Start a crafts channel. (I find crafts so soothing and think other people might too)
Create an aerial hoop reel (so that when I eventually let go of flexibility Fridays and let my hips get stuck in their ways, it won’t all have been in vain).
Decorate my kitchen and bathroom (I am about halfway through last year’s goal to paint all the rooms in my house very, very bright colours! My brother recently stayed and appealed to me to keep the spare room as ‘the only mentally calming room in the house’ but, I don’t know… a canary yellow bedroom would be such a statement!)
So, this is where I’m at at the end of this month. I feel like my personal life is finally quite settled and fulfilling, and there is a routine around it that is grounding and reliable. Just enough to start inviting a smattering of chaos into it. By that I mean I really, really want to start giving back and reaching out to my community again with videos and tutorials and responses to the many lovely comments and messages I receive. I’m just about ready to start doing that again so watch this space.
What else, what else. I read a fascinating book called The Game of Life and How to Play it by Florence Scovel Shinn. If you need a blast of simplified, direct instruction on the relationship between your thoughts and your lived reality, I recommend it. It’s given me some very powerful affirmations which I’ve already felt have changed my energetic frequency. There is a lot of God and Jesus talk in this book, and I can’t help it, I am attracted to anything a bit holy - its embrace is so reassuringly Irish. I’m currently reading Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport which talks all about the hidden cost of using technology mindlessly and without intention. There is a 30 day challenge which I am contemplating trying for February. I already started purging my instagram by unfollowing 300 people! It took me hours. And while I feel better, a large portion of these 300 people have come to visit me in my nightmares demanding why, why have I turned my back on them, and would I still answer their call in their hour of need? In tears I told them, they are nice, nice people, but nice just doesn’t cut the mustard for me nowadays, that I’d like to think I’d be there in their hour of need but I’m not sure anymore. I want to love people with integrity and devotion but I can only do that for a small handful of people. Thankfully, they haven’t returned. I’ve had a lot of vivid dreams lately. I might go visit a Jungian analyst with them. Speaking of which, I finished reading another book about Lucia Joyce at the weekend (she who did not have a favourable assessment of Jung; she thought he was trying to steal her soul…I will tread carefully with the analyst). I’m not sure at this point if the Lucia film will ever happen, it seems beleaguered with obstacles currently. Any generous patron got a spare £500k? I am very loathe to be another person who gave up on Lucia so I will keep tapping in to her energy. That said, she is a big spirit to hold space for. There’s a phrase I keep coming back to from the book, a ‘child of high price’. I’m sure I was one of these children too. A child who demanded too much time, attention, resources, whom it cost a great deal to love. I often feel guilty for my own presence because I do ask and need a lot. Look at all these words, for example! I could just say I’m doing fine and type up a recipe for my mother’s apple pie. But I love people who are too much and let it all out. I want to let it all out too.
On that note, I bid you a good week! I’ll be back next week with more, a lot, too much probably! Catch ya then xox
