Can I expect kindness?

Guten tag, readers, hope you’re well! I’ve just returned from Germany for the ComicCon in Dortmund and am feeling very… reflective.

I actually had a nice time at the convention, and do note the tone of surprise in my statement because I have a very pronounced love/hate relationship with conventions that I have to carefully manage. I’ll never forget my first convention, oh, over a decade ago now in London. I had no idea what I was getting into, and it all seemed a bit shady from the start. This guy I vaguely knew who pointed to his connections with friends of mine as evidence of his trustworthiness, was suddenly in my facebook messages throwing out numbers for how much money could be made at this thing called a convention by any young actor connected to a ‘franchise’. I wasn’t particularly enthused by the idea of sitting and signing my name for an afternoon, but the fee offered was so disproportionate to an afternoon’s work that it would feel classless and ungrateful to refuse, so I went along.

It was a shocker, that convention. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed a break and just had to keep meeting person after person after person, with nobody to step between me and the constant current of frenetic fan energy. As somebody who abhors small talk and only has the social capacity for very deep conversations with lots of eye contact, or none at all, I found the pace at which I had to process meetings with people appalling. No sooner had I said ‘hi, nice to meet you, thanks for coming’, and hitched my face into a smile for the camera, than the person is already retreating and a new face is looming into focus. I literally don’t know how people process faces, names, energies that quickly, and even now, with more than 10 years of convention experience behind me, there always comes a point in the afternoon of meeting hundreds of people, where I start to glitch and spout utter, incoherent nonsense. ‘Hi, nice to pleasure you, happy to meet us’ is an actual phrase I exclaimed in a fan’s face just this weekend. Luckily the language barrier usually spares me public mortification and fans just blink politely back (one place I did not get away with it was Argentina, earlier this summer, when, in my efforts to thank people very much in their native tongue, instead took to addressing several young fans as ‘mother’). But that is the relentless pace at which conventions operate, in order for everyone to have a little piece of an actor, and in order for the actor to make enough money that it is worth basically selling a bit of your soul for the weekend. Sounds extreme yes, but it feels extreme also! I came home from that first convention feeling shaken and violated by all the sweaty armpits and unsolicited cuddles, and I told the ‘agent’ that he had thrown me to the wolves, that no money is worth that exploitation and that I would never do another convention again!!

Fast forward 10 years later and I am a regular face on the convention circuit, something of a seasoned pro by now. To speak quite plainly, the conventions have become my bread and butter, and I feel grateful that they grant me the kind of financial security most actors don’t have. It’s thanks to conventions and the support from fans that I’m able to take time to work exclusively on my writing which is such a gift. And I am much, much better at knowing and enforcing my personal boundaries these days so that I don’t go home with that icky, used-up feeling of having agreed to accommodate needs that conflict with my own. That was the problem with that first convention I did; I had literally never been in a position where I had to say no or defend myself. Before that convention, every professional experience involved a parent, a chaperone, a publicist, or a steely eyed agent who would abruptly cut off inappropriate requests before I’d the chance to even consider them. There was this very firm barrier between myself and the world, and conventions broke that down, which you can argue is just the feeling of coming of age. But now I know how to say no. If I don’t want to hug someone, I won’t. If I don’t want to ask your girlfriend to marry you, I deflect back to you! If I get asked to sign a picture of my porn doppelganger, I refuse and yell ‘PERVERT’ out to the convention hall (joking! I don’t do that, but I definitely don’t sign them!) What is great about knowing my own boundaries, is that I can actually enjoy aspects of conventions now. As long as people don’t take my kindness for passiveness or my generosity for pliability, I like to connect with others. I like hugging people, and I love discussing my favourite books and movies with nerds, and I also really like being able to give my presence to people who are shy, and nervous, and who perhaps don’t feel ‘seen’. That honestly is such a joyful experience for me, and I love to be able to be in service in a way that makes people feel fully seen, even for a few moments. That is the part of this very commercial, very fast paced convention-world that I feel is quite spiritual, and I enjoy it for those moments.

So Dortmund was nice! I only did the Saturday, which went quickly. And I got to meet some of my HP costars briefly, as well as some of the cast from the Fantastic Beasts world, who I just love! I mean I love my costars of course, but I feel like the FB cast bring so much excitement and enthusiasm to the magical world because they have so recently been immersed in it. Sometimes speaking about my time on HP feels like a fictional story, it is so long ago, like it happened to someone else. Whereas the energy I get from the FB cast is alive. I relate to a great passion they have for speaking about the literature of HP, much more than their experiences as actors on the sets and the world of filmmaking. They are really quite nerdy about the stories and it’s beautiful. I feel a certain nostalgia and envy when I hear them tell stories of filming or discuss back stories of their characters, but they have always spoken to me as though I am still part of it, one of the extended family, which is so nice. I would do many more conventions if I could always sit at their lunch table!

And I have to say the conventions I’ve done this year have made me trust that the world can be a kind place again. I’ve been so shut down in public the past few years. I believed that the criticism and hostility I met online was reflective of the real world. Recently a friend of mine made a comment about Jamie Lynn Spears when we were watching I’m a Celebrity that stuck with me. Commenting on Jamie Lynn’s demeanour in the early days of interacting with her campmates, my friend Tessie said: ‘it’s like she doesn’t expect kindness from anyone’. I recognised that feeling immediately. And I very much related to Jamie Lynn’s behaviour and body language, the way she kept her eyes down, her shoulders forward, her hands set firmly on her hips in a defensive posture. The way she cried constantly, seemingly unprovoked, and how she was polite and cordial to everyone, but so reserved. Her demeanour said that she was not there to make friends, she was just going to get through it. I could see the burden of shame she carried, how she did not seek pity for her situation, and neither did she expect kindness. I found it very moving to witness how despite her barriers, the armour she’d built around herself and the rest of the world, she actually did start to melt and make friends. You could see she started to smile and visibly brighten as the days went by. As a Britney fangirl, I didn’t expect to root for Jamie Lynn but watching the show I felt a profound loneliness about her that I empathised with, and I found her very sweet and resilient. I was disappointed when she left!

I’m getting off track again… I feel like I’ve been operating in a similar way, walking into rooms and not expecting kindness, but again and again at conventions this year this expectation has been challenged. People have been nothing but sweet, warm, excited, supportive, grateful and loving. So now I am at the point where I can relax at conventions again, and expect kindness and that is a relief. If I met you in Dusseldorf this weekend, thank you for sharing your energy with me. And the chocolate! And cookies! And the many many bracelets (what is this new trend?! My handler for the day attributed it to the Swifties. It’s definitely a Gen Z thing and makes me feel very old). I’m very lucky to meet such sensitive, sweet souls all over the world. When I left this morning for the airport, I could feel my barriers already creeping back up. Some autograph hunters approached me with stacks of photos while I was rooting around for my passport and my defensive posture snapped back into place. I signed a couple things but then got flustered and hurried away, afraid that if I don’t get away quick enough I wouldn’t be able to assert my boundaries. It’s irrational really, I know I can manage those situations, there is no need to be afraid and instantly hostile. I sat in the airport lounge reflecting on that moment, and wondering how I can tackle this impulse to flee to safety, how I can calm down and be present in these moments and speak from a place of empowerment rather than defensiveness. Learning how to politely say no in highly stressful environments is an art I need to master. I think that’s what I’ll be mulling on this week. Can I breathe, slow my racing heart down and be present? Can I take the warmth and love I receive at conventions and project that energy into the rest of the world? Can I expect kindness and still feel safe?

I’m not sure yet, but I’m curious to explore this. Thank you for the lessons this week <3

Evy xox